Recovery.

Is the longest word in the dictionary, you may not physically see it, but between each letter you’ll find: a cry for help, regret, silence, empty promises, lies, shame…a functioning liar.

If each letter was a door, you may not be so quick to open those eight doors, if you knew the desperate and desolate scenes that played over and over behind them. Scenes you would shake your head and say to yourself “how could anyone…?” I used to play the observer of such scenes…now I am the voyager in this crusade of self destruction; and just like the ocean I’ve yet to meet the true depths of this ocean I wade through. Though, I don’t ever want to, at least that’s what I tell myself over and over again; And with the same persistence as the sun my addiction ominously rises from the depths of a past unkept and riddled with hope. Everyday I put on my boxing gloves but all I have to show for it now is two black eyes and a swollen lip and the only thing you’ll ever see is a pretty smile and dimly lit eyes. Enough to get me by.

I sit and count the days were the fields are gentle ogres rolling around on their backs laughing from joy in appreciation for plentiful day they had. 1 ogre, 2 ogre, 3 ogre, …14 ogre…I hear my name and as I turn my head and look back, the air that just a second ago gave life, goes stale. My ogres gone, and though my belly is full, my chest becomes an empty nest. I look down and one egg lay rest in this nest, I shed a tear in shame, and out it hatched; a snake. Lets see…1 snake, 2 snake, 3 snake,…100 snakes so far and counting.

You may ask yourself “how can I help him?” …funny you should ask, I’ve been asking myself the same question for quite sometime now. There are days where I want to throw him against a wall and shake and beat him until he open his eyes and “see’s” the dark depths he slowly repels down. Sometimes I want to take him to the tallest building built by man, leading him step by step to the top and onto the edge, then play a sad song as I push him off the ledge and watch him fall to his demise. Other times I want buy him a beautiful bouquet filled with dandelions, roses, gardenias, hyacinths, lavender, thyme, sage, lily’s, and wild strawberries and whisper in his ear  “everything is going to be ok just stay strong resilience has defined you everyday until now don’t let failure carry you home today” ….

I’m sitting in the back of an old blue car, I don’t know who the driver is, but I’m anxiously looking behind me out the back window. The sun is about to set, and the desire to meet the place that the sunset kisses the earth burns inside, as my camera just as anxiously waits by my side. I don’t even know whose driving and I don’t care as I let trust and hope take the wheel. We arrive, I rush out of the car, into a place I could only describe as “middle earth”. To one side the sky held its breath painting beautiful shades of baby blues casting over little homes where people did what people do everyday, you know? People things haha. Then I looked back and begin walking toward the place I longed to meet so that I could greet the sun and the earth as they were about intertwine and bid each other goodnight.

And with each step I took, in the distance amongst the orange and pink petals that cradled the sun, the ominous light edged closer and closer to earth. I was stopped by a field of wheat glistening from the bountiful rays that kept them warm, I fall to my knees. In this “middle earth” the sun just lays its head never sinking into the abyss. Suddenly a presence engulfs my existence, I look up, and peace fills the wells that once shed guilt. A being so grand but yet so familiar towered above me.

And even though I  was not able to meet his gaze I followed his as he extended his arm and hand in the direction of the horizon. The sun lay rest no more to my surprise but before me where the sun once lay his head now laid out in all its glory was a blue print such as an architect uses to draw magnificent buildings. Except what my eyes feasted on was not a blueprint to a home, an office building, or the tallest building in the world…no, what lay before me was the blue print to the universe that gave home to not just to my world but many many more. Filled with stars, planets, moons, suns, and drawn in such a manor that my simple mind would be able to comprehend the immensity of the gift that I was given. It was in these shapes that I noticed that behind some planets their existed multiple planets in some cases so many that they appeared to be vibrating; for a second I almost felt that vibration as I continued to gaze upon his plan.

I don’t even remember getting up but all of a sudden I was picking up my camera and walking away never once even coming close to the shutter button. I started to get back into the car destined back that normal boring place where people do people things but I was leaving with a feeling that felt like I had just gone home finally but now it was time for me to go back.

I turned to look back out of the car back seat window and with a gasp I woke up  back in my room. Four walls, dirty laundry, empty glasses some half full some half empty, my dog. I pondered for a second at the adventure I was just taken on and I whispered to myself….thank you.

Recovery…as kids we recover from burnt fingers, bumps and scrapes….as adults we recover from broken hearts, loss of a loved one, Addictions to which we stand guard for (weary of the unsuspecting on looker that might decide to peak in and see the world you’ve destroyed…..), and as time continues to rebuild my strength over and over as it does with such things I know that one day I will come home with a beautiful smile, brightly lit eyes, sans the black eyes and swollen lip haha …because I have to, that is, if I ever want to see the rest of the blueprint.

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