Solitude has always been a place I found pleasure, it is where I explore my thoughts wether they are dark as the under coat of a panther’s back or bright as the sun rising over an undiscovered island. There is a level of spiritual maturity and awareness in a person who can find mental and physical stimulation just by closing one’s eyes.
With this said, I recently found my self preparing for a trip back home as I saw it in my eyes. How does that saying go…? “home is where the heart is”….? Well my heart lay 1,600 miles away. A year of training away from everything that I knew my loneliness was only coddled by the voice of my mother and the heart beat of the one waiting for my return. It was his heart beat that kept mine from flat lining, kept a smile on my face, engraved blissful memories into my soul, and taught me self confidence…that had abruptly stopped beating.
Heartache as I knew it was nothing more than a phrase to express one’s distress of a lost love one. It wasn’t until I lost him that I came to realize, as I lay in bed with a physical pain in my chest where my heart beat a muddled attempt at life; That the term “heartache” manifested into true physical pain. A pain which lingered through out the day building itself up with old memories only to unleash itself at any given point unto anything or anyone around you at that moment. Like an obsidian ocean, it coats everything that you know with you left standing in the middle, asking your self “how can something so beautiful turn so dark?”.
Eating alone never brought a feeling of loneliness to my young heart. My heart was invincible, having endured so many wars, it learned to beat a rhythm so numb that not even the sharpest spear in the world thrown at it would awaken it from it’s monotonous task; Until yesterday. A seemingly quick bite to eat at a local cafe, which in fact was a luxurious dine in cafe, brought my heart to a complete stop as I peered over at the empty chair in front of me. Meanwhile my eyes were at war with the tears birthed from the memories of laughter, love, and candor with the one that for a year kept my quick whited thoughts company. I don’t think that coincidently being sat next to a man and a women, whom which were discussing the flamboyant man’s efforts in convincing his long distance girlfriend from Philadelphia to move to Texas helped at all. Apparently she was to scared too leave everything she knew. I really just wanted to turn to him and yell out “IT’S BECAUSE YOUR GAY! WITH EVERY STEP YOU TAKE A PRADA BAG IS BORN! She is not about to move to Texas to help you redecorate your closet after you come out of it”. I digress…. Anyways. It wasn’t until this very moment in time, that I came to know the stigma and bitter taste, of telling a server “dinner for one please” can leave on a persons tongue.
To the one whose heart kept pace with mine for so long only to fall behind in the race towards an everlasting love I say this…… Thank you for teaching me how feel again, although this pain is indescribable and has rendered me mute, I’ve learned to love and feel pain again. I no longer walk through life an empty shell…..