I started losing my hair during deployment, I don’t know if it was from stress or from the Kevlar rubbing bald patches into my head. Whatever the case I deployed with a full thick head of hair that received only thee best hair care products. Unfortunately, combined with bad genetics, 110 degree weather, and a 10lb kevlar I came back with a full head of…skin…. FML. It took some getting used to, I mean I didn’t want to be one of those guys that walked around with a bald spot trying to hold on to those last few strands #HomerSimpson or those guys who are just too lazy and walk around with an unruly set of catastrophic redneck gym teacher hair…cue knee high socks and annoying ear piercing whistle. So I went all the way and started shaving it everyday. I mean I was actually blessed with an enormous, smooth, hotdog-neck free noggin lol….but my self confidence doesn’t stop people from asking me rude in a blanket weird questions, leaving me with a confused WTF look; Here are a few examples:
On the street: Can I rub your head?
(Yes, please by all means nothing would make my day better then to be petted by a random stranger)
Friends/Strangers/Grindr: Are you REEEEALLY bald?
(Nooooo, Im actually pretending, SURPRISE, “knock knock” “whose there?” “My HAIR!” ha…ha..ha *2x Eye Roll*)
Random Request: “Kissing a bald mans head is on my bucket list… Can I kiss your head?”
(WTF… White people *Looks down shakes head*)
Love Life: OMG you’re cute for a bald guy!
(Ummmm I lost my hair not my FACE, but that was a “Cute” attempt at being nice. What they really mean is “You’re cute but I wouldn’t date you because, well, you’re bald”)
In the Club: OMG where’s your hair?
(Waits for response as I stare blankly at them; while asking myself “Is this real life? Did this drunk bitch really just ask me this?”….I sigh, smile, and walk away)
Demands!: “You should let it grow out!”
(Why? so you can see that I’M REALLY BALD? You should get fatter! I just cant believe how fat you are! no really heres a triple Big Mac let me see those arteries clog! *Side eye*)
Shine Factor: How do you get it so shiny? Do you moisturize?
(The nice response: “A little after shave thats all…smile and nod” The truth: It shiny because within every humans skin exists bacteria infested sebaceous glands that secrete oil…its gross… your head would be shiny too if you didn’t have hair and this is why your hair gets greasy if you don’t wash it. This is the same person that will try and find the nearest bald person and try to compare shiny-ness level…. Now that you know the truth, this comical comparison is kind of gross isn’t it?)
What can I say, people say DUMB shit, but thats none of my business……