Meeting new people has always been a pleasure of mine. Whether I flash you a pseudo genuine smile or I whole heartedly like you off the bat. Fortunately, being in the military has brought me many opportunities to do so. The position I held had me meeting all the new check-ins for our command. When I met our command chaplain I was genuinely excited; his mannerisms were more vicious then a drag queen battling for her life on Ru Pauls Drag Race and his voice was sweeter then a pitcher of true southern sweet tea a.k.a. Brown Sugar Water. The inner black girl in me screamed “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaas another one for our team and he brought the Lordt with him lol” I cautiously avoided ever bringing up the subject of my suspicions and left it in my assumption jar. I eventually asked one of his aids and he confirmed my suspicions with very tricky wording leaving me with a satisfactory smile that only subsided once I pursed my lips and gave a non chalet half eye roll “Knew it” I said. As his time passed at the command he would regularly hold bible study in our building and we would share vegan/veggie recipes since he had been a hardcore vegan for a few years… like carried his own bamboo utensils and glass straw hardcore, one of those that if they found out a dog had brushed up against the tree their fruit was picked from, they would splatter it with red paint and scream “THATS ANIMAL CRUELTY” lol……
Finally the day came for him to check out. I thought he was stopping by for his routine bible study session, I was….so…. wrong. I don’t know what lead up to our conversation about gay clubs in DC but Im glad it did. He confessed to me that he had been to gay clubs in his college days (In my mind solidifying any doubt that he wasn’t team girl scouts)…. So as I candidly continued the conversation I asked:
Me: “Whens the last time you went to a gay club?”
Chaplin: “Oh its been yeeeeeeears, since I don’t have many friends here and don’t have time”
Me: “Well why don’t you just go alone and meet new people?”
And I swear to you as he said this he rolled his neck from here to south Asia and cocked his imaginary weave to the side and responded:
Chaplain: “Because Im NOT GAY”
My draw dropped a millimeter as I caught my surprise by the back of its collar and snatched it back up.
Me: “Oh…I….um….sorry sir”
This was followed by any EXTREMELY AWKARD silence the kind where both parties are looking for something other then themselves to stare at…… He quickly stood up and mumbled “have a great day” and walked out of my office. I let out a huge sigh and as soon as he was out of sight I ran over to my co-workers space and spilled the vegan frijoles. She totally laughed at my play by play and continue to tell me that he was there for his going away luncheon not his regular bible study…..In my mind I was thinking well shit…. thats a great way to send someone away; basically tell them you thought they were gay this whole time…lol I never saw him again….which I was ok with because I don’t think theres enough olive oil in the world to cleanse that conversation. Though I still have that assumption in my little mason jar for of possible suspects, chaplain or not, no straight man in his sober mind would roll his neck to the point of fracture…..JUST SAYING!