Stranger

I’ve realized that no matter where I go and whom I meet, humans seem to have one thing in common; they are looking for love but not just any kind of love. We yearn for that emotion you feel when you bite into a warm chocolate chip cookie or that cozy feeling you get when you sip on a cherry blossom tea latte on a cold windy rainy day. It doesn’t matter what walk of life we come from we just want to find that person that we can stand in front of naked, in a stark white room, under a horrible squeaking halogen light and for that person to look at you in the eye and say “I love you with all your flaws, imperfections, and every mistake you have made in your life.” But I ask my self why do we seek this approval and recognition to no end? Why do we have to hear this from another being? Is self approval not enough? But then my mind wandered in another direction…(at this point I should probably invest in a pez dispenser that shoots out prozac) could I really look at myself in a mirror and say I love you to the stranger I see staring back at me? Out of all the things that main stream society has told me that is wrong with my body, my life, out of all the horrible decisions I’ve taken and knowing the person I am today…could I really say I love you to the man in the mirror? So I looked in the mirror first picking out my physical flaws: my enlarged pores that to me feel like a million black oceans on my face, my enlarged Jew nose that I inherited (from God knows where) minus the bank account, my small lean slightly effeminate frame (according to one of my hook ups I felt like a “lean woman with a cute booty and no tits” talk about a mood killer could have just said twink and called it a day; totally deleted his number and no we DID NOT GO ALL THE WAY) then going a little deeper I picked apart what I considered my character flaws, experiences, and destructive decisions/thoughts. I found that it wasn’t that easy for me to accept myself and say I love you and whole heartedly mean it. From an early age we learn to seek this love and approval first from our parents then our friends, teachers, and crushed school aged relationships. Always looking to outsource this emotion; I can’t remember once ever being taught to love myself first. My favorite Ru Paul quote is “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” or how can you expect anyone to love you for that matter. It took me a while but I worked up the courage to eventually look at my reflection, acknowledge my existence, and truly love that stranger I would walk by in the mirror everyday. Doing so has taught me so much more then I could have ever expected…

 

4 thoughts on “Stranger

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