The intricacy of gay sex can leave any heterosexual asking themselves “why even bother?” or in my case leaving my loud ghetto sister perplexed with the steps gay men take to ensure they won’t have any “accidents” during intercourse. The subject has become a form of entertainment for me I receive questions from all sorts of people: Family, Concerned Christians, Co-Workers, Moms, Dads, and my straight friends especially when they are drunk.
Driving down the highway on our way to a bar:
Sister: “Gay guys have it so easy they can hook up whenever they want!”
Me: “Hold up, it’s not that easy theres a lot of work that can go into gay sex I can’t just bend over and hope that the Chipotle I had for lunch won’t decide to make its self to-go at that moment!” (Cue sisters side eye and face of digust)
Sister:”Whats that supposed to mean?”
Me: “Well if your a bottom (receiver) then you have to douche…”
Sister: “Wait gay guys douche? I thought only girls douched?”
Me: “Well didn’t you douche when you got it in the butt? …Gurl let me fill you in lol”
Lets face it anal sex can be awesome, it can be painful oooor it can be a hot mess especially if you end up with that clueless bottom or a curious straight guy (or that bottom that just doesn’t care… we stay away from those..don’t be that guy your reputation will follow you) Ive been guilty of being the clueless 18 yo bottom, talk about embarrassing…sigh…never saw him again. I cleaned up my act up though, so now I go by Spotless Sally it was either that or FLEETwood Mac (The later was taken I think by some musician that makes my soul shed tears). So here are some simple steps every first time bottom, curious straight girl, or curious straight guy SHOULD KNOW! (Graphic…but needs to be said)
Squeeky Clean Bum Steps:
1) Avoid eating 6-8 hours prior to having sex this gives you a good amount of time to hopefully excrete anything you had remaining in your intestines; if hunger strikes eat some crackers, chips, protein shake, or cheese cube. If you don’t want to do this step then perform the next few thoroughly.
2) Avoid foods that are notorious for causing bowel movements i.e. beans, broccoli, fruits etc.
3) Purchase a FLEET enema (the large bottle or twin pack the more you get out the better) and actually use it! Once you have completed the process with the enema fill it up with water and repeat 4-5 times making sure the water is as clear as you can get it. If it doesn’t clear up…. and you feel theres no hope just avoid sex altogether last thing you need is your partner pulling out a grease stained oil stick! If you plan on having lots of anal sex invest in a personal douche or “Sure-Shot” shower attachment. That thing will have you looking like a garden fountain spouting water out of your mouth! can’t go wrong.
4) After douching give yourself and hour or so to let that last remnants of all that water work its way out. Jump roping, sit-ups, and performing squats can help hurry this process up. Please for your sake make sure its out, TRUST ME not doing so could cause an EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING moment…sigh… Ive never gotten dressed so fast in my life.
5) Once this is all set and done MAKE SURE YOU HAVE LUBE and if it’s your first time… NO spit will not work neither will Chap-Stick or Lip Gloss cough cough ladies cough cough! soooo heres a list of products to avoid: Shampoo, Dish Soap, Lip gloss/stick/plumper etc., Fragranced Lotions, Face wash, Sanitizing Gel. Products that will suffice: Vegetable/Coconut/Olive Oil, Un-fragranced Lotions (Lubriderm), Butter, Crisco, ACTUAL SEX LUBRICANTS!
(When using condoms do NOT use oil-based products, like baby oil, cooking oil, hand lotion or petroleum jelly like Vaseline as lubricants with latex condoms. The oil quickly weakens latex and can cause condoms to break don’t be cheap invest in some real lube for safe sex!)
Sister: “Well shit I didn’t realize it was that hard”
Me: ” Yah sis so all you straight people trying to have gay sex need to consult your nearest gay guy before you mess it all up!”